


Same Stress, Same Shit To Go Through

by suchalongway



Series: Dirrty Love [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Best Friends, Blow Jobs, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Honeymoon, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Saxtual Tension, Sexual Tension, a wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 00:29:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12900102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suchalongway/pseuds/suchalongway
Summary: When Harry invites him to carpool with him to their best friends wedding, Louis think it'll give them the space they need to talk their feelings through. But a seven hour road trip of nothing but each other to keep them company is bound to reveal more than just a few secrets.





	Same Stress, Same Shit To Go Through

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dolce_piccante](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dolce_piccante/gifts), [Velvetoscar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velvetoscar/gifts), [sarcasticfluentry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticfluentry/gifts), [tothemoonmydear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tothemoonmydear/gifts).



> part three - so excited!!
> 
> Here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/Louis_Tomlinson?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor)

Liam awoke in a panic, as was the usual with his flashbacks ever since working in the coal mines. He’ll never forget the day he went to work only to find out everyone had relocated without him.

He had an awful dream, one that would haunt him for the whole 2 minutes it took before his moods switched on him. It was terrifying, a true nightmare. His fiance, Shahid “Naughty Boy” Khan, had just been murdered in cold blood by his best friend and  _ best man _ , Louis Tomlinson.

It was only a dream, though. One that could never come true, not with the spell Liam placed on his home using the lint from his ass crack and a spray bottle of blue kool-aid. But that was another story for another time.

Forgetting his nightmare completely, Liam sighed happily, kicking his glove shoe against the side of his bed.

The big day was finally here! Here it was, his big day. The day he wanted to come… was here. It was here, a day that was big. A big day, here at last. It had come, his big day. Not small, this day, as the big day came.

The day… BIG.

Today, he was going to marry the man of his dreams. He gazed up at the outfit hanging from his door. A one of a kind tasseled green snowsuit with holes burnt into the side to show some skin (he wanted to feel a little sexy today). His grandfather had given his that snowsuit the day before he was murdered by Liam, and Liam had vowed to save it for a special occasion.

Liam called Harry for the 8th time that morning. For some reason, Harry seemed to be avoiding his calls.

“Hi Harry! It’s Liam, your favorite neighbor! I was just wondering if you and Louis maybe wanna be my best men. I’ve called you five thousand and sixty times since Shahid proposed but I don’t think you got my messages. The wedding is today and I hope you and Louis can come! We will be serving tuna and mushroom jello for dinner and pudding cups for after! I hope I don't slip on them and break my knee like I did that one time I went to your house. I still don’t have a knee! I just have to walk with one straight leg! If you get this, the wedding will be at the local dump where I work. Just walk past the front gate and take a left at the old couch with the Cheez It boxes on top. I love you more than you could ever imagine. You’re my best friend. Please come and help me so I don’t poop myself, but I probably will anyway.”

Next door, Harry laid his iPhone 10 on his oak nightstand and sighed dramatically, plucking a gilded handkerchief from the ornamental box by his bed to wipe the honey and goat placenta mask from his face.

“Louis?” He called out to his husband, who immediately skateboarded into the room.

“Yes, angel?” Louis replied, ruffling his hair and smoothing out his $1,400 Vetements sweatshirt.

“I think we have to go to Lemon’s wedding.”

Louis squawked, jumping an inch off the ground, which was almost twice his height. “Lemon? The one who shit in your casserole dish? Why would we go to his wedding?”

Harry waltzed out of bed, swishing his silk chiffon pajamas as loudly as possible before reaching his arms out to Louis and squishing his face in his giant hands.

“Because, Louis. Be nice to nice.”

Louis couldn’t speak with Harry’s big meaty claws crushing his face, so instead he nodded the best his tiny puppy head could, pursing his lips for a kiss from his husband.

Harry just floated away.

 

Back at the Payne household, Liam was practicing his saxophone solo. He was starting to get really good. He hoped Shahid would find it sexy enough. Just thinking about Shahid made Liam feel hot and swampy under the collar.

Two months ago, Shahid had taken Liam out to the local crematorium on a date. They had watched the embalming process in awe until Shahid turned to Liam and offered to move himself into Liam’s house. Though Liam had wanted to say yes, more than anything, the other man was too enticing, sexy in an unsuspecting and sweaty kind of way. With Liam’s vows to the Church of Scientology, he couldn’t give himself up before marriage, not if he wanted his God, Xenu, to accept him under his army.

On a completely unrelated, but entirely necessary note, Liam didn’t have very many good dreams, but in the ones he did have, he could still smell the old burnt pickle smell of Naughty Boy’s breath, bathing his neck and sending goosebumps down the greasy skin of his left rib.

The scent of used toilet paper signals Liam that his dog, Cheryl, has just hobbled into the room, her three legs limping their way over to him. Liam wants to pet her, but he’s allergic, so he just smiles at her for an uncomfortably long time. He sings the entire Golden Girls theme song in his head, just so Cheryl gets enough smile time. But once it’s over, he stops.

He can’t spoil her, after all.

 

Liam slithers into his bathroom, looking at his rusted and unused shower fondly, before grabbing his yellowed snowsuit. His first three attempts to fit into it were unsuccessful, but luckily he had saved a jar of old bacon grease for times like these. It was a true test in restraint not to eat it, but he’s glad he has self-control. He covered his body in the  _ thicc _  paste and groans in delight. The suit fit perfectly. It was all he could not to strip that down and get low, leaving his suit on the bedroom floor, but it was time to get married.

Liam’s uber arrived, so his phone alerted him, but as he walked outside, he realized his phone was just a piece of soggy cardboard, and that he never called a car at all. He’d have to ask his neighbors and best friends for a ride.

Liam slid quickly to Louis and Harry’s doorstep, avoiding the electric barbed wire fence set up only on the border between the two houses. He wiped his hand grease on the beautiful welcome mat outside before letting himself in.

“Hello?” Liam shouted into the foyer, before he heard a loud crash from the kitchen. Louis ran out, looking concerned. “Lupus? How did you get over the fence? We put that up for a reason.”

“I no longer feel pain.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be getting married right now?” Louis asked, his dainty fingers coming up to squeeze his button nose shut. “What are you doing here? You’re oozing onto the rug.”

 

“As it turns out, I need a ride to the dump. I was hoping because you’re going to the wedding too, you could drop me off.”

“Indeed we could,” a voice rang out from above and Liam looked up to find Harry descending the spiral staircase, wearing only a gold faux fur robe and seventeen necklaces. “Louis and I would be happy to accompany you to your nuptials.”

Liam shits his pants in joy.

“Why did you have to go and say that?” Louis spits angrily, gesturing to the messy greenish-brown puddly accumulating at Liam’s misshapen feet. “He’s drenching the floor. The hardwood is going to decay!”

Liam smiles at that. Louis is so funny.

“Thank you both! I’ll be in the car waiting!”

“No! Lincoln Continental, I would really prefer it if you stayed outside the car while we drove you there. I’ve got a bit of twine in me garage, I can tie you to the bumper and you can slide along behind us,” Louis pleaded.

“No need,” Liam insisted, pulling his reusable but unwashed toe floss out of his pocket. “I brought my own.” He flossed between his teeth for show. He giggled when a raw chicken bone came out. Shahid always did tease him for showing off.

Louis stared at Liam, transfixed in disgust, before turning to Harry, who had finally made it downstairs and was struggling to put on his 19th century gold party slippers. “I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.”

“No worries. Shahid always says he doesn’t have much stamina. He also lost most of his teeth last week in a boating accident, so he can’t speak very well.” Liam didn’t mention that the gummy sound turned him on like nothing else.

 

On the drive to the dump, he couldn’t help but cheat on his marital diet, snacking on the loose flies that he happened across. If some of them got stuck in his teeth, he didn’t complain. He needed something borrowed anyways.

Shahid said his something blue would be his balls, but Liam wasn’t sure what he meant. He’s certain he’d find out that night anyway. They had an entire night planned.

Louis and Harry’s expensive but still economically smart Tesla pulled up to the entrance to the dump. Liam’s heart was racing as he detached his floss from the car and smoothed out his snowsuit, feeling the excitement run through him when he noticed how he sweated through the thick fabric. He heard the rich window on the drivers’ side roll down and Harry’s face came into view.

“Legosi? Louis and I really don’t want to get out of the car, so we’re just going to drive behind you and watch the wedding through the windshield, okay?”

Harry pressed his hands together in a praying motion and was about to roll the window back up when Liam stopped him, “You don’t want to meet Maroon 5? Shahid booked them for me.”

Louis cracked the passenger seat window, straining to get his tiny head out to look at Liam. “Adam Levine is going to be at your wedding? How?”

“No,” Liam said. “...Maroon 5 will be at my wedding. I’m their best friend.” Liam doesn’t know who the fuck Adam Levine is, but Maroon 5 are promised guests.

Liam went to step closer to the car, but Louis pulled his head back inside and rolled the window up. Liam laughed. Louis is so funny.

Liam started walking into the dump, happy to hear the car behind him, meaning his best friends really  _ would _  be at his wedding. This was the best day of his life.

The sound of his wet feet squelching against the mud of the dump floor sounded startlingly like the  _ Wedding March _ , and that’s when Liam realizes… when Shahid stitched his calf to his thigh, he must have installed a soundtrack. His every dream was coming true.

Liam turned the corner and was met with the most perfect sight he had ever seen. Shahid was standing there with a gummy smile, waiting for him under an archway made of hot garbage, though Liam knew that Shahid was the hottest garbage of all.

Next to him was an astoundingly realistic cardboard cutout of Adam Lambert with a copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard super-glued where his cardboard hands were. The rest of Maroon 5 were sitting in the audience on deflated inner tubes, confused and wondering how  they got there.

Liam took a deep breath and started to walk down the aisle towards the archway, slipping and sliding in the mud and grease as he went. It was a hot August day and his snowsuit was proving to be rather impractical, and he blinked rapidly through the rivulets of sweat cascading down his face. Finally, he reached Shahid. His heart was pounding and he was the most nervous he had ever been, but Shahid smiled widely at him, showing of his rows of beautiful pink gums. Liam was home.

Shahid passed Liam a note on a piece of binder paper and started walking back down the aisle towards the exit. Liam opened the note with trembling hands to see Naughty Boy’s handwriting spelling out the words “I do.” It was the coolest thing Liam had ever seen anyone do. He immediately fainted into PJ Morton’s strong arms as the rest of the band began to play a hurried cover of Taylor Swift’s Look What You Made Me Do.

After the smell of his own musty shit awoke him, Liam quickly ran the 23 miles it takes to get to the airport, worried he would be late for his flight to his honeymoon. He only puked four times on his run there, which is just fine because he forgot to wear deodorant, but he made it in time to hear them call for boarding. Standing in front of the gate, Liam was met with his new husband. Liam was panting, not only from his run, but the grease sliding down Shahid’s neck was making him breathless. “Where were you?” Shahid grumbled sexily.

Liam couldn't wait for their honeymoon. He’d been working on his fingering in preparation.

They boarded the plane and ascended into the sky, eager to begin their honeymoon. It was a long flight, circling the city three times before landing in Louis and Harry’s backyard. Liam and Shahid crept quietly through the grass, pausing for a moment to look through the window. Harry was splayed out, sunbathing naked on a velvet chaise lounge, painting his nails a midnight blue color while Louis practiced his kickflips for him, every once in a while shouting out “I just gotta get out of this town!” and “Nobody understands!”  

Liam dug the spare key he secretly had made out of the ass pocket of his snowsuit and unlocked the door to the basement. When the door swung open and they made their way down the steps, they were both amazed by what they saw. Shahid with the incredible bondage gear display that took up the entire wall, and Liam with the cute little rainbow teddy bears sitting on handmade thrones in the center of the room.

“So,” Shahid said as he lay down on the floor, spreading his flexible limbs out and sexily making snow angels in the dust, “ What do you have planned for our honeymoon?”

Liam quirked an slick eyebrow at his new husband and began to unzip his sweat drenched snowsuit, but he stopped halfway down and began to rummage around. “Well, since the moment I met you I’ve been waiting to show you just how well I can blow.” Shahid’s eyes lit up and he watched Liam with rapt attention as Liam finally found what he was looking for. He pulled an old antique, slightly moldy saxophone out of his suit, and hurriedly zipped it back up again. “You just relax and listen to the sound you’re about to hear every day for the rest of your life.”

Liam put his lips to the instrument and began playing a fast paced mashup of How Long by Charlie Puth and Slow Hands by Niall Horan. Liam’s second favorite band after Maroon 5 was One Direction. He had gone to see them three times but he had been kicked out each time after Niall and Charlie saw him in the audience and his greasy body triggered their memories to the times he had jumped on them outside their hotel, begging them to sign his huge leg scar.

Liam had extended the song to an hour and twelve minutes just for this special day.

Shahid was a great man, the sweatiest, kindest, most thoughtful man Liam had ever met. He sat patiently and waited throughout Liam’s unnecessary and overhyped solo career. When it ended inevitably in a wreck of a broken musical instrument, Shahid stood on his knees and smirked his french fry smile. “That was great,” he half-heartedly complimented. “But let me show you what I really want.”

Liam’s gravy blood spiked through his veins in excitement at the way Shahid suddenly fell onto the floor and begin to do the worm, inching his way closer to Liam’s sulfur-scented body.

Shahid’s body was incredible. It’s as though Liam put a fresh slab of butter on a hot baked potato, and he was watching it melt right in front of him. It was like a bag of rice, rolling down a hill, or a bear, running down a hill. He flopped around like a hollow pen dropped off a building, and his clothing warped around him like gogurt. Liam wanted to take his picture, frame it, and sell it to the Taco Bell franchise. He was like a body pillow that’d been washed in velveeta cheese. He played every bit the melted ice cream he was. Liam’s never seen an angel, but he’s sure Shahid would frighten them with the sinful way his flapping, alaskan bull worm body moved. He was wet, sweaty, had Liam going like a turbo jet.

One time, Liam’s dog, Cheryl, pooped out a soggy diarrhea… and it looked like Shahid. Smelled of him, too.

Liam was in love.

When Shahid’s dance of love was over (too soon in Liam’s humble, homophobic opinion), he slithered his way over and got back on his knees. Liam was only slightly jealous that his husband had two knees.

Shahid’s crooked fingers lifted up the shirt of Liam’s snowsuit, and his flat, wide tongue licked a slimy, stinky trail up Liam’s hairy stomach.

“Uh,” Liam said, his aroused voice wavering thickly in his blocked throat. “That’s gay.”

Shahid merely smiled before rubbing his gums on the skin. The dust came out of Liam’s belly button, that had been accumulating for the past forty-six years, must’ve rubbed against Shahid’s face and he sneezed.

The wet snot flew straight into Liam’s love canal, also known as his belly button, and that’s when the greatest miracle of all happened.

Liam became pregnant with his third child.

 

They celebrated with each other for three and a half months in the basement until Louis came downstairs. “What the fuck,” the man exclaimed.

 

… to be continued.

**Author's Note:**

> i just want to say that this is my longest fic yet, and im so proud. i feel like im really growing as a writer :) 
> 
> Come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Louis_Tomlinson?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor)
> 
> thank u i love my fans pls comment and be fans bc i have none but i love them anyways


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